Petrifying poltergeists (part 1)
February 4 2023
As it is only 268 days until Halloween, it is time we got into the subject of ghosties, ghoulies, phantoms and spooks. We will start with one particular type of mischievous spirit.
A poltergeist is a ghost that delights in throwing things around, moving and hiding items such as car keys and TV remotes. They are rarely seen but will create unsettling noises such as thumping footsteps and slamming doors. All of this may lead you to believe that poltergeist is another word for teenager. In German it means playful ghost. In my opinion there is nothing playful about hiding the TV remote. My remote is missing right now and my TV is stuck on a channel that seems to show an endless parade of reality shows about people being mean to each other on nice sandy beaches. Honestly, if they can’t be nice to each other there I wouldn’t like to see how they behave on a wet Monday night in ———- Here you can insert the name of a particularly drab and boring area that you are acquainted with. If you can’t think of any, try one of these. I must point out I have not visited any of these places and I have based my choices solely on their names:
Dismal, North Carolina
Misery Beach, Australia
Melancholy Hill, New Zealand
Doldrums Bay, Ireland
Boring, Maryland
This last one is an easy target, I admit. It turns out it was named after the postmaster David Boring. I am sure you and I could come up with some better names, such as Daveville or Big Dave’s Fun Town.
I see I have wandered away from my original topic. Don’t worry! I can still just about see it from here. Give me a moment and I'll stroll over. Here we are! Poltergeists are really far from fun, playful little sprites. A better definition might be ‘really annoying, terrifying, thieving, lunatic ghost’. However, Google Translate tells me that in German this would be:
‘wirklich nerviger, furchterregender, diebischer, verrückter Geist’.
I guarantee you will run out of spit long before you finish saying this, so we will stick with ‘poltergeist’.
There are many famous cases and a whole bunch of scary movies around this topic. One of the most famous cases took place in Enfield, London in the late 1970s. There were reports of objects flying around the house, strange rapping on the walls and furniture shifting on its own. On one occasion ornaments were seen to be knocked off shelves and chairs were thrown to the floor. Skeptics, or spoilsports as we call them, will try to come up with logical explanations for these events. They will point out that throughout the 1970s there was a regrettable fashion among the young folk for wearing extremely wide, or ‘flared’ trousers. They argue (the skeptics, not the young folks) that moving around any small room in a pair of flares would inevitably result in small ornaments and knick knacks being upset and flung around. They do have a point. My research has shown that in the 1700s there were several poltergeist cases in Europe. Back then, the average pair of European trousers were quite sensible. They were called breeches and ended just below the knee. No problem with your knick knacks there! The real danger came from the dresses, some of which were as wide as a double decker London bus. This endangered not just ornaments, but chairs, tables, and sometimes whole families. On occasion, if guests had overstayed their welcome at a party, the hosts would send out one of their daughters in a particularly immense dress. She would sweep all before and deposit the unwanted folks in the street outside with a blush, a curtsy and a ‘fare thee well’.
The trouble in Enfield began, as trouble often did back then, in 1977. The Hodgson family; a mom and four children, called the police to report a wobbly, sliding chair. I don’t know about you readers, but I have quite a few wobbly chairs in my home. I have never thought of calling the local bobbies to deal with them. Perhaps the combination of wobbly and slidey is what pushed them over the edge. Typically, the London Metropolitan Police proved to be absolutely useless. There may have been an attempt to handcuff the chair and take it down to the station for questioning. However, the Dodgson’s declined to press charges as this would have meant one of them would have had to stand up for the rest of the day.
That same night, Mrs. Hodgson heard loud thumping and crashing noises coming from her children’s bedroom. Most paranormal investigators would immediately see this as evidence of spiritual activity. To me, this is evidence that most paranormal investigators have never been parents, and perhaps never been kids either. I would say it would be weird if four children in a room without any adults didn’t make loud banging and thumping noises.
The next occurrence was actually witnessed by Mrs Hodgson. The chest of drawers in the children’s bedroom starting moving all by itself! This does seem strange as my research has shown that hefty old pieces of furniture have a reputation for being really difficult to move, even when you actually want them to. I have an old chest of drawers which has been halfway out of my bedroom for the past two years. It may actually be halfway in. I can’t remember whether I was trying move it into my bedroom, or get rid of it. Ironically, I do have some more modern pieces of furniture that seem to enjoy moving by themselves. This has nothing to do with poltergeists, or even badly behaved children. By a strange coincidence, they are all self-assembly (the furniture, not the children). For example, last week, after spending hours fiddling around with bizarre metal tools and instructions that seemed to be at least half in Swedish, I constructed a beautiful, solid looking bookcase. At least it was solid until I tried putting some books on it. Ever since then, it has delighted in swaying from side to side like an enormous rectangular white belly dancer whenever I come within 10 feet of it. If I did have poltergeists in my house, I believe they would actually spend most of their energy trying to hold up my bookcases.
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Next week: More on The Enfield Haunting and other startling poltergeist cases, and less about poorly constructed furniture!
Ikea are now launching (literally) their new poltergeist friendly range of furniture. When it is thrown against a door or wall, it instantly reassembles. From a book case into a bunk bed - you know the sort of thing. From a Glunk to a Sponk as the saying goes in old Swedish....