Lively and energetic- report card euphemisms!
November 2022
​
In our last blog, we talked about euphemisms- an indirect way of saying something unpleasant or potentially offensive.
We ended the blog by taking a brief peek at an area swarming with euphemisms- school report cards! Interactions between teachers and parents are the natural habitat of many species of euphemism. Teachers know that most parents think that their child is a combination of miniature genius and saint. Therefore, any news that might disagree with this image needs to be communicated in a somewhat indirect and gentle manner.
In the old days, report cards were much more honest. If teachers thought you were an annoying little brat, they usually just said so. The one advantage that kids had back then was that the ominous documents would be delivered in the mail. Clever, but badly behaved children would get up early, intercept the report and feed it to the family dog before the parents ever had a chance to lay eyes on it.
Nowadays teachers have to be a little more circumspect with parents when breaking the news that their precious child is not quite as perfect as they might have thought.
Here are some report card translations that may be helpful:
Lively and energetic- I literally cannot stop your child from dancing on her desk and singing her favorite Disney songs during morning meeting.
​
Very social- I watched a show about sharks last week and I learned that if they stop swimming, they will die. I believe this applies to your son, but instead of ‘swimming’ you can substitute ‘talking nonsense’.
​
Leadership potential- Your child constantly forces everyone to do what she wants to do, including her classmates, her teachers, the principal, the janitor, the crossing guard and the class hamster.
Enjoys working independently- She has a strong dislike for everybody apart from herself.
​
Unique- Thank goodness I do not have any other students in my class like this one.
​
Has strong opinions- The more you show him that he is mistaken, the more convinced he becomes that he is right. Has a tendency to hit anyone who disagrees with him.
Brings a lot of background knowledge to our study of______ - She greets the introduction of every new topic by saying “I already did this at my last school.”
Has a strong sense of right and wrong- Can be easily identified on the playground as he is the child standing with his hands on his hips yelling “This is not fair!”
​
Is working towards mastering the times tables up to the 12s- Knows her one times tables, more or less.
Has a fun sense of humor- Laughed until he cried in our unit on planets, when the teacher mentioned Uranus.
Do not feel too badly towards your child’s teacher when you read this. She is really cherishing the time she gets to spend with your child. By this I mean that she may have an extra glass of wine every night during the year and keeps a calendar behind her desk where she marks off the days until summer vacation.
If you are a kid reading this, you can get your revenge on your teachers at the end of the year by choosing your words carefully in a ‘Thank You’ card. Try saying ‘You were one of the best fourth grade teachers I’ve ever had’, ‘Thanks for trying to teach us’, or ‘I don’t care what my dad says, I think you’re a good teacher.’
My parents considered me somewhat of a genius when the teacher informed them that the school were unable to teach me anything.....