Shiver me timbers! (part one)
May 16 2023
Do you remember the fun series of movies aimed at kids and families featuring a host of lovably bloodthirsty killers? I think it was called ‘Axe Murderers of North America’. There were a bunch of sequels with titles like ‘Axe Murderers of North America II: Come Down to the Basement’, and ‘Axe Murderers of North America III: Don’t Look in the Shed’. Every kid from age 6 upwards was clamoring to see these movies, buy the lunchbox and have their own ‘Axe Murderer’ themed birthday party.
You don’t remember it? Well, perhaps I made it up. However, there was a series of movies based around a group of real life, equally horrible killers. And, yes, kids did go and see them, as well as buy the lunchboxes. I am talking about those adorable rogues; ‘The Pirates of the Caribbean’.
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In real life, pirates were so foul and mean that even some of the more sensible axe murderers would avoid their company. For some reason, we think of them fondly as a bunch of misunderstood rascals. Yes, they may have run a few people through with their swords, but those folks probably did something to upset the sensitive sea dogs. And anyway, how could you stay mad at them when they rolled their eyes (or at least ‘eye’), let out an ‘ARGH’ and came up with a witty remark whilst they wear cleaning the blood off their swords?
Real pirates, I am afraid, were not not sensitive, and definitely not misunderstood. Back in the Golden Age of Piracy, everyone understood that if your ship was captured by pirates, your best chance of surviving was to jump overboard and ask a sympathetic shark to give you a ride back to the mainland.
Real pirates didn’t even bury treasure. I cannot blame them for this. Imagine if you accidentally found a big roll of cash lying in the street one day. Obviously, you would hand it in at the nearest police station, or at least donate it to your favorite charity. Just kidding! Of course you wouldn’t, and neither would I. Another thing you would not do with that big roll of money is to bury it in a hole in your backyard. Pirates did not do this either. Any money they did find was immediately wasted on unnecessary and frivolous things like alcohol, lottery tickets and axe murderer themed birthday parties.
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In reality, the ‘treasure’ that pirates stole form other ships were just the basic necessities they needed to keep themselves alive. They would steal food, water, weapons and tools. If they did make the mistake of burying boxes of chocolate chip muffins and frozen pizzas on a remote island, they soon learned their mistake when they returned to dig them up a few months later.
As horrible as they were, pirates were not dumb. They worked hard to make sure they had a widely known reputation for being ferocious, merciless and general not very nice. If they were alive today, you can bet that Blackbeard, Captain Kidd and Anne Bonny would be very active on social media with posts like this:
After, extensive research, I have confirmed that social media was not a thing during The Golden Age of Piracy. I believe it did not really take off until George Washington’s meme comparing the British army to a dog with its head stuck in a food bowl went viral in 1776.
This does not mean that pirates had no options for putting the frighteners on ships crossing the Atlantic laden with treasure, frozen pizza or chocolate chip muffins. Their most effective weapon in scaring the pants off these poor sailors was their flag. We are all familiar with the skull and crossbones flag. It was sometimes called ‘The Jolly Roger’. This showed that, awful as they were, pirates did not lack a sense of humor as they were certainly not jolly, and hardly ever called Roger. In fact, the only possible pirate called Roger was a man who sailed with Sir Walter Raleigh in the 1600s. He was named Roger North. I imagine if he had a flag, he would have called it ‘The Jolly Marvin’.
The more imaginative pirates would create their own flags to send an especially chilling message to the ships they were chasing. For each of the flags below, see if you can choose the correct message:
A. This sad skeleton sends you all his love.
B. Let’s meet up to go spear fishing!
C. These hips don’t lie.
D. You are running out of time to surrender...
A. Is it obvious that I have a missing tooth?
B. Come join our axe murderer themed birthday party!
C. We used a random image pirate flag generator.
D. You are running out of time to surrender…
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A. Is this flag too busy?
B. We only have one sword between three pirates.
C. We use bent swords, especially designed for stabbing round corners.
D. You are running out of time to surrender…
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A. Heart surgeon available on board
B. Pool party! BYOB
C. Bald pirate support group
D. You are running out of time to surrender…
As you are at least as smart as a pirate, you have guessed that all these flags warn the victims they should surrender now or they will be blown to bits. The hourglass symbol on every flag resents the idea that time is slipping away. The first flag belongs to none other than Blackbeard; the most famous celebrity pirate influencer.
The second one was described by Scottish poet William Falconer. This was back in the day when even poets were rough and tough. William survived two shipwrecks before he finally disappeared along with his ship The Aurora in 1769.
The third flag belonged to pirate Jean Thomas Dulaien. It really is too busy isn’t it?
The last flag was displayed by English pirate Charles Harris. I should admit that the swimsuit was added on by me, as I believe that just because you are murderous and bloodthirsty, there is no need to be rude as well.
Tune in to our next blog where we dive even deeper into the savage world of pirates!
eeee be smart as paint Jam Lid.....aaaaarrrrgggh